Defending Moderation in an All-or-Nothing World
Why "All-or-Nothing" Doesn't Work for Everyone (5 min read)
Moderation is not a zero-sum game. It’s not “works for everyone” or “works for no one.” And yet, that’s often how it’s portrayed—sadly, especially in the alcohol-free world.
Why moderation needs defending
There’s this unhelpful narrative floating about that if you’re trying to moderate your drinking, it must mean you’ve got a “problem,” and therefore your only real option is to give up alcohol entirely.
I’m so fed up with hearing this binary approach because for the vast majority of people, it just doesn’t help.
It certainly doesn’t help the swathes of people who arrive in this space looking for a positive alternative to the way they’re currently drinking, who, instead of being met with encouragement, are told they either have to change everything about themselves or they’ve failed.
Let me be clear: I’m not talking to those who identify as having alcohol use disorder (AUD), or who’ve been clinically diagnosed. If alcohol is having a life-damaging impact on you, please seek professional help. There are excellent resources out there, and if you’re ever unsure where to start, drop me a line and I’ll be happy to point you in the right direction.
But for the people who drink “regularly” but don’t consider themselves dependent, the ones quietly wondering if alcohol still fits into their lives in the way it once did, in a modern drinking environment, moderation can be a very valid approach.
Two paths to drinking less
And it looks different for everyone. I break it down into two broad camps: active moderation and passive moderation.
Active moderation includes things like Dry January and Sober October—designated breaks with clear rules. You stop drinking entirely for a set period, ideally with the intention of reassessing your habits.
These breaks can be powerful and beneficial—if you go into them with the right mindset.
But let’s not pretend they don’t also come with baggage. White-knuckling your way through 31 days, desperately waiting for February 1st so you can get back to your usual habits? That’s not mindful moderation; that’s self-punishment with a countdown timer. And when that’s the mindset, the benefits are limited.
The real point of those challenges is to give your body and brain a rest, yes—but also to help you step back and reflect on the role alcohol plays in your life. It’s about space. Space to think, reassess, and maybe start building a different kind of relationship with drinking.
Passive moderation, on the other hand, is more subtle. It’s the slower, often quieter realisation that alcohol isn’t serving you like it used to. You might not have declared a break or set strict rules. Maybe you just don’t feel like drinking during the week anymore. Or you find yourself ordering an alcohol-free option because you want to sleep better, not because you “have to.”
The exhausting myth of “perfect” moderation
This is where things often get misunderstood. When people hear “moderation,” they assume it’s just about rules: only drinking on weekends, or having no more than X drinks per week. Then they get tangled in the mental maths: “I had a small glass on Wednesday, so can I have a medium one today? If I pour this one a bit shorter, maybe I can still fit in two over the weekend…”
Honestly, who has the energy for that?
That kind of constant calculation is exhausting. It turns what should be a supportive change into yet another control system to feel guilty about. Did I go over my allowance? Did I fail? Am I doing this wrong?
And what gets missed far too often: moderation doesn’t have to equal misery. It doesn’t have to be governed by rules or rigid systems. It doesn’t have to lead to shame when you don’t ‘perform’ it perfectly.
Lots of people take part in a dry month challenge and love it. They feel energised, clear-headed, excited about new possibilities, and more present with their partners, kids, or friends. They start hobbies, read books again, reconnect with the parts of themselves they’d forgotten under a haze of wine and Netflix.
And they don’t always go teetotal afterwards. Some do. Many don’t. That middle ground—where alcohol is optional, occasional, maybe even rare, but not forbidden—is rarely discussed, and it’s where a lot of people find themselves thriving.
How passive moderation worked for me
Take me. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “I’m never drinking again.” What I did say—loud and clear—was that I never wanted to have a hangover again.
For a while, I’d still have the odd drink. If I was out and there was a wine I loved, I’d have a glass. But the longer I paid attention to how alcohol actually made me feel, the less I wanted it. Even my favourites didn’t taste quite the same. The appeal faded. These days, alcohol barely features in my life.
And no, that doesn’t mean I’ve “quit drinking.” It means I made space. I gave myself time to decide what I actually wanted. And I stopped measuring my success based on whether I hit some arbitrary target.
I’m not saying that’s the right route for everyone. But it was right for me.
One size does not fit all
And that’s really the point, isn’t it? There is no one-size-fits-all model for drinking less. There shouldn’t be. You don’t need to declare your intentions to the world, or promise never to drink again, or be perfect in your approach.
All you need is a willingness to experiment. To see how different choices feel. To let go of the guilt when something doesn’t go to plan. And to treat every experience—yes, even the ones where you have more than you meant to—as a learning opportunity.
Moderation or mindful drinking isn’t failure. It’s not cheating. It’s not lazy. And it’s not a stepping stone that you must abandon once you’re “serious” about changing your relationship with alcohol.
It’s a valid, often powerful choice in its own right. And it might just lead you to a better life—one drink fewer at a time.
This is so well stated and permissive in positive ways. Thank you for sharing this sentiment! Beautifully written and a message many will benefit from.